Americans Study Too Much

With the United States economy begging for mercy, Americans have done everything short of installing Lo-Jack in their wallets to keep tabs on where their dollars are going. Gone are the days when affluent old men and women in cartoons tossed wads of cash onto the fire to keep it roaring in the winter. There is no doubt a good portion of the world, let alone America, is bleeding green.

But where is it all going? The culprits are numerous, but I believe you can place a significant portion of the blame on folks who simply have far too much time on their hands.

Yahoo! Music blogger Lyndsey Parker recently posted a blog regarding the effect of singing “Feeling Good,” by John Coltrane and Nina Simone, on TV talent shows. Parker took the time, effort and resources to go back into the annals of reality television and find that every contestant who sang the ballad on American Idol and The X Factor was voted off the show in a shocking and untimely fashion.

Usually, if one can reply to an article, paper or blog entry in less than three words, you need to rethink what you just wrote. I refer to this as the Calvin Coolidge rule. In this case, an appropriate response to Parker’s piece would be, “Who cares?” Of course, you could easily violate the Coolidge rule by adding your own expletive in the middle, but the message remains clear. Yahoo! may be a massive internet/news group, but can they really afford to allocate resources on posts like this?

I wish I could say that pointless research and studies are limited to the entertainment world, but unfortunately, research like Parker’s only represents the tip of the iceberg. In the past five years, we have seen medical and psychological studies proving that night-shift nurses have poor sleep habits, playing with puppies makes you feel good, daytime soap-operas are not realistic in their depiction of comas, and women are more attracted to men who use John Travolta-esque dance moves in nightclubs – you know, the kind of research any doctorate or Ph.D. would kill to have on their résumé.

We’re just about to close out the month of October, when the nation coats itself in pink to call attention to breast cancer. So instead of pumping cash into finding out why squirrels prefer certain trees, how about re-allocating funds to one of the deadliest and most difficult-to-detect diseases.

I know I’m being somewhat unreasonable. After all, I just wrote a few weeks ago that irreverent humor and sporadic behavior would make any serious situation better. So, I will level with those who want to partake in such bizarre studies. Not every piece of research has to be groundbreaking or life-saving, but has to at least provide some reasonable benefit to society. In short, I’m in charge now.

I want to see someone research the effect of listening to music, talk radio, or simply nothing while falling asleep. Do you actually retain information from listening to news podcasts when you sleep? Do you end up mentally deranged by drifting off with Marilyn Manson blasting every night? Or does it have some undiscovered mentally stimulating effect, the way listening to Mozart is supposed to improve your math skills? The answer might not be as obvious as the answer to “Do people who work the night shift have difficulty sleeping?”

I want to see a study examining the psychological effect of adding the word “smart” to the name of a product. If I tell somebody “I’m sexy,” why would they believe me? They wouldn’t; I obviously have some ulterior motive. So, why buy something simply because the people selling it claim it’s “smart”? What’s so “smart” about a bottle of electrolyte-enhanced water that you can’t hold onto while running, or a car that can only seat the average 12 year old comfortably?

And lastly, I want someone to study the effects of reading the “Thinking Out Loud” column on a regular basis. How many brains cells does it kill per word? Is it more entertaining than digging your eyeballs out with a spoon? Or does it improve the self-esteem of its readers, who know that no matter what they do, they can’t be as ridiculous a writer as that Kasznel guy? Be sure to keep all spoons away from you while reading the summary of that research.

-Matt K.